511 hell.

 

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Insert pic from last summer….no recent one on this device

Some of the same strange symptoms that I began having this time a year ago, eerily became Some up again early last week. Unfortunately, the hallucinations that we thought that I was having, was due to extreme dehydration, was not the case at all. Fortunately, after dealing with this disease for over ten years, I have come to not always be right about any gut feeling that I might have but usually I’m more on point than not. After two trips to the ER and a second opinion, I quickly found out that I had septic shock early Wednesday. I have had pain before…and then, I HAVE FELT PAIN…this was the latter. When my infection levels rocket to this this point, I was not even allowed Tylenol… I would rate this pain OFF the charts. However, I am just now to getting to a point where I can form some sense out of what has taken place over the past week or so. If you were familiar with our situation last year, then you’re aware about how much it ripped my heart to miss Brendan’s elementary graduation. However, because he switched different private school district’s, the district that he is at now, still puts him in fifth grade….which meant that he he graduated grade school today. I am VERY aware that the current situation could be MUCH worse. Still, I can’t lie and tell you that my heart isn’t heavy right now. Bren and I both looked forward to me getting the chance to watch him graduate this year. Again, I just try and continue to tell myself some of the same things that I told myself last year, “by me missing this chance, it is actually gifting me the gift of being present for furniture milestones in his life”, and this still stands true. I just love that little boy like you couldn’t believe, so, it stings. When I was admitted straight to ICU last Wednesday, life just came crumbling down pretty fast, I really didn’t have time to grasp the potential outcome; there was not too much time to process much until now.

In the beginning, the infection was so bad that I really couldn’t process things rationally (lol) basically, it was just, “flight or fight”, per se. Although, last night I just turned into the biggest basket case. I had let everything build up inside and the smallest the just sent me over the edge. I could not seem to be able to get a hold of Brendan, so I just lost it. I went all crazy up on his Instagram…demanding that he call ASAP. Then I finally had to break down and cry so I could just let him know that, “I was mother of the universe” and would NOT be making it to his graduation the very next day. This is just an awful time. I can think of like 2.5 places that make this place the better place to be. Times have been better : )

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