spilling.

By not having my laptop, it is hard to blog, especially while being here in the hospital. But these memories…as hard as they are to recall, there are still sweet spots tucked into places that I don’t want to lose with time. Like tonight, my twelve year old wanted so bad for me to talk on the phone with him and his sweet friend, Scotland…he didn’t want me to get off the phone…and I would’ve talked to that 12 year old boy and his friend forever had I had the chance. That boy Brendan, even though he is getting bigger, he still has this innocence about him and those are the moments I wish that I could squish away in my little hands and tuck away forever. Right now, I don’t have the mental or physical capacity to document in terms that I wish to record the things that I never want to lose hold of…but I know that there is a boy, who’s every secret fits into my heart and I have never been more honored to hold something so valuable…baby boy…tonight all your secrets are safe with me…thank you for entrusting me with the greatest gift…the sweet gift you call your soul.

511 hell.

 

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Insert pic from last summer….no recent one on this device

Some of the same strange symptoms that I began having this time a year ago, eerily became Some up again early last week. Unfortunately, the hallucinations that we thought that I was having, was due to extreme dehydration, was not the case at all. Fortunately, after dealing with this disease for over ten years, I have come to not always be right about any gut feeling that I might have but usually I’m more on point than not. After two trips to the ER and a second opinion, I quickly found out that I had septic shock early Wednesday. I have had pain before…and then, I HAVE FELT PAIN…this was the latter. When my infection levels rocket to this this point, I was not even allowed Tylenol… I would rate this pain OFF the charts. However, I am just now to getting to a point where I can form some sense out of what has taken place over the past week or so. If you were familiar with our situation last year, then you’re aware about how much it ripped my heart to miss Brendan’s elementary graduation. However, because he switched different private school district’s, the district that he is at now, still puts him in fifth grade….which meant that he he graduated grade school today. I am VERY aware that the current situation could be MUCH worse. Still, I can’t lie and tell you that my heart isn’t heavy right now. Bren and I both looked forward to me getting the chance to watch him graduate this year. Again, I just try and continue to tell myself some of the same things that I told myself last year, “by me missing this chance, it is actually gifting me the gift of being present for furniture milestones in his life”, and this still stands true. I just love that little boy like you couldn’t believe, so, it stings. When I was admitted straight to ICU last Wednesday, life just came crumbling down pretty fast, I really didn’t have time to grasp the potential outcome; there was not too much time to process much until now.

In the beginning, the infection was so bad that I really couldn’t process things rationally (lol) basically, it was just, “flight or fight”, per se. Although, last night I just turned into the biggest basket case. I had let everything build up inside and the smallest the just sent me over the edge. I could not seem to be able to get a hold of Brendan, so I just lost it. I went all crazy up on his Instagram…demanding that he call ASAP. Then I finally had to break down and cry so I could just let him know that, “I was mother of the universe” and would NOT be making it to his graduation the very next day. This is just an awful time. I can think of like 2.5 places that make this place the better place to be. Times have been better : )

scattered.

Things have been kind of hectic lately, but I guess I will go back to Brendan’s field trip to Greenville, North Carolina. Brendan had been looking forward to this trip for a few months and it finally came time for him to go! I was a little nervous for him to go so far, but then after thinking about it, it didn’t bother me so much. I went to Washington D.C. when I was his age for almost a week and this was just one overnight trip. Plus, Brendan’s Poppy was able to go with him. To Brendan, his Poppy is pretty much the coolest person ever, so I was glad he was able to go. On this trip Brendan was able to participate in archery and he was also able to go zip lining and go on a an obstacle course type thing, he enjoyed it all!

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having fun on the obstacle course during his field trip

Oh, but he also went to his first dance while on this trip and the boys were told that they needed to ask a girl to dance and this broke my heart a little bit; not in a bad way, just in a, “my boy is growing up way too fast” way. I really try to embrace each new milestone in Brendan’s life, but now, it’s just different in ways. He is entering a whole new stage of life, he will be a teenager in just six months or so and it is just a bittersweet time. Brendan’s voice began to break while we were sitting on the couch talking a few days ago and I seriously about busted out crying. Brendan just looked at me like I was nuts, ha! The thing that I am really grateful for is that Brendan is extremely open with me and he tells me many details about his life. He tells me what girl he likes (it changes every week! lol), he tells me stories about his school life and about things that happen during practices and things like that. When he gets to liking a certain girl, I am usually the very first person he tells…and I hear all about this certain girl until he changes his mind and decides he is in love with someone else the next week! ; )

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having fun and trying not to fall

We did have a good weekend when he got back from Greenville. The following Saturday we went to my Grandmother’s and Brendan spent time helping my mom and grandmother take her current mailbox down so that they could put a new one up. After he did that, we walked about a mile and a half around my grandmother’s neighborhood. Brendan’s good friend, Trystan, lives in my grandmother’s neighborhood, so Brendan wanted to go see if he was home. Unfortunately, when we finally arrived to Trystan’s house, he was leaving to go to his baseball game. We came home soon afterwards and had fun just hanging out the rest of the afternoon.

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taking down my grandma’s mailbox so she could put another one up

The following Sunday, we went to church and then came home but unfortunately, Brendan began to get sick afterwards. He started running a fever and he had a very sore throat. Brendan always wants me to baby him and be close by him when he is not feeling great and I love nothing more than doing so. I know there will come a time, sooner than later, when Brendan won’t need me to “baby” him like I do. Brendan did end up missing a day of school but he felt fine the after and was able to go to school.

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working hard ; )

Oh goodness, Tuesday of last week, mama came up and saw what she thought was a little chipmunk that one of the stray cats had gotten a hold of but then she saw the cat going up the step and a kitten FELL OUT OF HER…as in she delivered the kitten while walking up the steps. So here we were with two kittens and a mama cat who didn’t seem to want anything to do with her kittens…she was not feeding them, cleaning them, or anything. I called the local vet and they were hardly any help at all. They referred me to animal control and I knew that if we called them that it would be likely that the kittens would be “put under” and we didn’t want that. My mom called my aunt, whose cat just had kittens and asked her if she had any advise for us. My aunt told us that we would have to go buy some kitten formula and a bottle and feed them every two hours. UM…I don’t wish anything to happen to ANY animal BUT that just wasn’t going to work, I had to find a better solution. So, I called Pet Smart and they gave me a number to a lady who took in cats to foster so I was hopeful when I was given her information.

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ew! I know! poor kittens, though! So glad we were able to keep them alive and safe until we could get them to where they needed to go.

However, when I called this lady, she told me that because of her work schedule, she was not able to take in newborn kittens, because of their feeding schedule. Although, thankfully, she did give me the number to a lady who she thought would take newborn kittens. Therefore, I called her and she said that she WOULD take the kittens and I was glad when she told me that she would be able to care for them like they needed to be cared for. She told us how important it was for these kittens to stay warm, so I put a towel in the dryer and then covered the baby kittens in that until we could get them to their new home. Like, these kittens were still attached to their umbilical cords and everything! So, I was glad that we were taking them to someone who was more equipped to care for them than we were. When we arrived at this lady’s home, she met us at the car and told us that because these kitten’s were their mom’s first litter, that the mama cat probably had no idea what was happening, she just new that she was in pain and needed to get whatever was in her out. She just had no clue what to do or what was going on. What a crazy situation! Again, I was just happy that this sweet lady could care for them like needed.

but moving on…

After a few days after being sick, Brendan wanted to go fishing at my sister’s; so him, my mom, Ansley, and my sister went fishing, while I stayed home not feeling great. They didn’t catch anything, but they still had fun! This past weekend Brendan was with his dad and he got put on Instagram restriction after him and his dad’s girlfriend’s older kids decided to play a prank on the youngest boy, Nick, during the middle of the night. He hates not having his Instagram so I don’t think this will happen in the future ; ).

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fishing.

My sister Melissa’s half brother, Joseph, had to be put in the hospital recently and he has been having a tough time, he is now having to take dialysis. Joseph’s mom and step dad made the BEST barbeque this past weekend and began selling barbeque plates to try and help cover his medical expenses. My mom went and bought us a few plates for dinner and it was out of this world good. I am glad that they are going to continue doing this for a few more weeks. Other than this, our weekend was just blah…I wasn’t feeling that great. Brendan was with his dad. During this time and he started eating a ton of cookies and got the worst tummy ache, so he had to miss another day of school this week (I am sure he had a twenty four hour virus or something and the cookies just aggravated it).

Today was “grocery store day”, and before I left asked Brendan to tell me everything he needed so I could put those items on the list, he named out just one or two things to put on the list and that was it. So, I thought this was just going to be a quick and easy trip…ha! Brendan and Ansley filled up the buggy with a ton of junk, lol…think pizzas, cookies, flavored drinks, random snacks…etc. I guess this is why they say to not take kids to the grocery store.

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My mom got this cute apron for Ansley today at the grocery store : )

There was this thing I saw on Shay Shull’s blog that I thought would be really good and EASY…s’mores cookies! I bought the things to make them and Ansley and I made them shortly after we got back from the store. Oh-em-gee…they were SO good. Ansley had the best time making these and again…they we just yummy. I recently posted this post about Shay’s Banana Foster Bundt Cake and we have literally made this cake no less than ten times since I blogged about it last. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE close to me, has fallen in love with this cake. I made it for a church function recently and received SO many compliments for it. I am beginning to think that you can’t go wrong with a Shay Shull recipe. Ansley was actually reading her recipe blog tonight, she was scrolling through her “100 list of bundt cakes”, and was looking to see which cake we should make next, but her mom arrived shortly after she started looking through the list so we will have to start back tomorrow : ). Bundt cakes are just fun!

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proud of our cookies!

I guess that is it for now. I really don’t like blog posts where I just have to DUMP everything from the past two weeks or so, into one post, but whatever, it is what it is ; ).

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my sweet baker.