By not having my laptop, it is hard to blog, especially while being here in the hospital. But these memories…as hard as they are to recall, there are still sweet spots tucked into places that I don’t want to lose with time. Like tonight, my twelve year old wanted so bad for me to talk on the phone with him and his sweet friend, Scotland…he didn’t want me to get off the phone…and I would’ve talked to that 12 year old boy and his friend forever had I had the chance. That boy Brendan, even though he is getting bigger, he still has this innocence about him and those are the moments I wish that I could squish away in my little hands and tuck away forever. Right now, I don’t have the mental or physical capacity to document in terms that I wish to record the things that I never want to lose hold of…but I know that there is a boy, who’s every secret fits into my heart and I have never been more honored to hold something so valuable…baby boy…tonight all your secrets are safe with me…thank you for entrusting me with the greatest gift…the sweet gift you call your soul.
511 hell.
Some of the same strange symptoms that I began having this time a year ago, eerily became Some up again early last week. Unfortunately, the hallucinations that we thought that I was having, was due to extreme dehydration, was not the case at all. Fortunately, after dealing with this disease for over ten years, I have come to not always be right about any gut feeling that I might have but usually I’m more on point than not. After two trips to the ER and a second opinion, I quickly found out that I had septic shock early Wednesday. I have had pain before…and then, I HAVE FELT PAIN…this was the latter. When my infection levels rocket to this this point, I was not even allowed Tylenol… I would rate this pain OFF the charts. However, I am just now to getting to a point where I can form some sense out of what has taken place over the past week or so. If you were familiar with our situation last year, then you’re aware about how much it ripped my heart to miss Brendan’s elementary graduation. However, because he switched different private school district’s, the district that he is at now, still puts him in fifth grade….which meant that he he graduated grade school today. I am VERY aware that the current situation could be MUCH worse. Still, I can’t lie and tell you that my heart isn’t heavy right now. Bren and I both looked forward to me getting the chance to watch him graduate this year. Again, I just try and continue to tell myself some of the same things that I told myself last year, “by me missing this chance, it is actually gifting me the gift of being present for furniture milestones in his life”, and this still stands true. I just love that little boy like you couldn’t believe, so, it stings. When I was admitted straight to ICU last Wednesday, life just came crumbling down pretty fast, I really didn’t have time to grasp the potential outcome; there was not too much time to process much until now.
In the beginning, the infection was so bad that I really couldn’t process things rationally (lol) basically, it was just, “flight or fight”, per se. Although, last night I just turned into the biggest basket case. I had let everything build up inside and the smallest the just sent me over the edge. I could not seem to be able to get a hold of Brendan, so I just lost it. I went all crazy up on his Instagram…demanding that he call ASAP. Then I finally had to break down and cry so I could just let him know that, “I was mother of the universe” and would NOT be making it to his graduation the very next day. This is just an awful time. I can think of like 2.5 places that make this place the better place to be. Times have been better : )
scattered.
Things have been kind of hectic lately, but I guess I will go back to Brendan’s field trip to Greenville, North Carolina. Brendan had been looking forward to this trip for a few months and it finally came time for him to go! I was a little nervous for him to go so far, but then after thinking about it, it didn’t bother me so much. I went to Washington D.C. when I was his age for almost a week and this was just one overnight trip. Plus, Brendan’s Poppy was able to go with him. To Brendan, his Poppy is pretty much the coolest person ever, so I was glad he was able to go. On this trip Brendan was able to participate in archery and he was also able to go zip lining and go on a an obstacle course type thing, he enjoyed it all!
Oh, but he also went to his first dance while on this trip and the boys were told that they needed to ask a girl to dance and this broke my heart a little bit; not in a bad way, just in a, “my boy is growing up way too fast” way. I really try to embrace each new milestone in Brendan’s life, but now, it’s just different in ways. He is entering a whole new stage of life, he will be a teenager in just six months or so and it is just a bittersweet time. Brendan’s voice began to break while we were sitting on the couch talking a few days ago and I seriously about busted out crying. Brendan just looked at me like I was nuts, ha! The thing that I am really grateful for is that Brendan is extremely open with me and he tells me many details about his life. He tells me what girl he likes (it changes every week! lol), he tells me stories about his school life and about things that happen during practices and things like that. When he gets to liking a certain girl, I am usually the very first person he tells…and I hear all about this certain girl until he changes his mind and decides he is in love with someone else the next week! ; )
We did have a good weekend when he got back from Greenville. The following Saturday we went to my Grandmother’s and Brendan spent time helping my mom and grandmother take her current mailbox down so that they could put a new one up. After he did that, we walked about a mile and a half around my grandmother’s neighborhood. Brendan’s good friend, Trystan, lives in my grandmother’s neighborhood, so Brendan wanted to go see if he was home. Unfortunately, when we finally arrived to Trystan’s house, he was leaving to go to his baseball game. We came home soon afterwards and had fun just hanging out the rest of the afternoon.
The following Sunday, we went to church and then came home but unfortunately, Brendan began to get sick afterwards. He started running a fever and he had a very sore throat. Brendan always wants me to baby him and be close by him when he is not feeling great and I love nothing more than doing so. I know there will come a time, sooner than later, when Brendan won’t need me to “baby” him like I do. Brendan did end up missing a day of school but he felt fine the after and was able to go to school.
Oh goodness, Tuesday of last week, mama came up and saw what she thought was a little chipmunk that one of the stray cats had gotten a hold of but then she saw the cat going up the step and a kitten FELL OUT OF HER…as in she delivered the kitten while walking up the steps. So here we were with two kittens and a mama cat who didn’t seem to want anything to do with her kittens…she was not feeding them, cleaning them, or anything. I called the local vet and they were hardly any help at all. They referred me to animal control and I knew that if we called them that it would be likely that the kittens would be “put under” and we didn’t want that. My mom called my aunt, whose cat just had kittens and asked her if she had any advise for us. My aunt told us that we would have to go buy some kitten formula and a bottle and feed them every two hours. UM…I don’t wish anything to happen to ANY animal BUT that just wasn’t going to work, I had to find a better solution. So, I called Pet Smart and they gave me a number to a lady who took in cats to foster so I was hopeful when I was given her information.
However, when I called this lady, she told me that because of her work schedule, she was not able to take in newborn kittens, because of their feeding schedule. Although, thankfully, she did give me the number to a lady who she thought would take newborn kittens. Therefore, I called her and she said that she WOULD take the kittens and I was glad when she told me that she would be able to care for them like they needed to be cared for. She told us how important it was for these kittens to stay warm, so I put a towel in the dryer and then covered the baby kittens in that until we could get them to their new home. Like, these kittens were still attached to their umbilical cords and everything! So, I was glad that we were taking them to someone who was more equipped to care for them than we were. When we arrived at this lady’s home, she met us at the car and told us that because these kitten’s were their mom’s first litter, that the mama cat probably had no idea what was happening, she just new that she was in pain and needed to get whatever was in her out. She just had no clue what to do or what was going on. What a crazy situation! Again, I was just happy that this sweet lady could care for them like needed.
but moving on…
After a few days after being sick, Brendan wanted to go fishing at my sister’s; so him, my mom, Ansley, and my sister went fishing, while I stayed home not feeling great. They didn’t catch anything, but they still had fun! This past weekend Brendan was with his dad and he got put on Instagram restriction after him and his dad’s girlfriend’s older kids decided to play a prank on the youngest boy, Nick, during the middle of the night. He hates not having his Instagram so I don’t think this will happen in the future ; ).
My sister Melissa’s half brother, Joseph, had to be put in the hospital recently and he has been having a tough time, he is now having to take dialysis. Joseph’s mom and step dad made the BEST barbeque this past weekend and began selling barbeque plates to try and help cover his medical expenses. My mom went and bought us a few plates for dinner and it was out of this world good. I am glad that they are going to continue doing this for a few more weeks. Other than this, our weekend was just blah…I wasn’t feeling that great. Brendan was with his dad. During this time and he started eating a ton of cookies and got the worst tummy ache, so he had to miss another day of school this week (I am sure he had a twenty four hour virus or something and the cookies just aggravated it).
Today was “grocery store day”, and before I left asked Brendan to tell me everything he needed so I could put those items on the list, he named out just one or two things to put on the list and that was it. So, I thought this was just going to be a quick and easy trip…ha! Brendan and Ansley filled up the buggy with a ton of junk, lol…think pizzas, cookies, flavored drinks, random snacks…etc. I guess this is why they say to not take kids to the grocery store.
There was this thing I saw on Shay Shull’s blog that I thought would be really good and EASY…s’mores cookies! I bought the things to make them and Ansley and I made them shortly after we got back from the store. Oh-em-gee…they were SO good. Ansley had the best time making these and again…they we just yummy. I recently posted this post about Shay’s Banana Foster Bundt Cake and we have literally made this cake no less than ten times since I blogged about it last. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE close to me, has fallen in love with this cake. I made it for a church function recently and received SO many compliments for it. I am beginning to think that you can’t go wrong with a Shay Shull recipe. Ansley was actually reading her recipe blog tonight, she was scrolling through her “100 list of bundt cakes”, and was looking to see which cake we should make next, but her mom arrived shortly after she started looking through the list so we will have to start back tomorrow : ). Bundt cakes are just fun!
I guess that is it for now. I really don’t like blog posts where I just have to DUMP everything from the past two weeks or so, into one post, but whatever, it is what it is ; ).
ansley girl.
This past week has been…bittersweet?…I can’t think of a better word right now. Brendan spent last weekend with his dad’s parents in Panama City and he had a great time but I missed him so much! In an earlier post I blogged about how I loved Ansley staying with me when she was out of school…we had the best time hanging out, just us two. I told Kimberly that I wished I had another day to spend with her again like that…Kimberly was like, “no, she can’t, she has missed too many days of school”, so I just shrugged that thought off.
However, I woke up last Monday morning with mom telling me that Ansley was sick and then asked if I could keep her, I couldn’t say YES fast enough. I jumped out of bed, fixed a cup of coffee, toasted my pop-tarts, and then read my favorite blogs as I waited on my girl to get here. Kimberly brought her over around 10:20 and she didn’t feel good at all. She was running a fever, she was congested, she was just pitiful. I made her a comfy place on the sofa and we spent the afternoon watching some of our favorite movies, we watched Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, and a movie about a dog named Bingo…and that was the title of the movie. I made her slushies and those seemed to help her throat feel better. I couldn’t stand seeing my girl not feel good.
When Kimberly took Ansley to the medstop over the weekend the doctor there told her that Ansley had bronchitis. Well, because the symptoms that Ansley was having didn’t really relate to bronchitis, my mom told Kim that she needed to go ahead and take Ansley to the after hours at Primary Pediatrics and that is what they decided to do. Ansley’s dad and my mom took Ansley to the doctor that evening and Kimberly met them there after work. After they got back, my mom walked in the door and told me that I wasn’t going to believe what they said at the doctor…the doctor there diagnosed her with the flu! I knew she was pretty sick because I spent all day taking care of her, however, I truly didn’t see that coming. I felt terrible for my Ansley, but I can’t lie, I was secretly a little happy that I was going to get to spend another day with my girl!
When Ansley arrived on Tuesday she didn’t feel too good but she felt a little better than she felt the day before. I fixed her another comfortable spot on the sofa and we watched one or two movies. Around noon Ansley began feeling better so we painted our finger and toe nails. She painted my finger nails blue and red (Brendan’s school colors) and she painted my toe nails white and of course they turned out beautiful. I painted her finger nails purple and pink and I painted her toes the same colors (I think?). I so wish that I would have taken pictures but again I have been terrible at remembering to take pictures lately. I am usually completely opposite…Brendan says that I am worse than the LA paparazzi! I am the first person to say that I am completely guilty ; ). Anyhow, after we finished doing our nails, we made some cupcakes; cupcakes always make everything better!
Unfortunately, mom contacted us mid-afternoon on Tuesday and told us that she was pretty sure that she had the flu. She was running a fever, she had chills, her throat was sore…and she had several other symptoms that added up to being the flu. She tried to get her doctor to call her in Tamiflu but they were being anile about it and would not call it in without knowing 100 percent that she was sick with the flu. Mom then decided that she would just go to the Minute Clinic at CVS but they were not open. Anyhow when she arrived back home, Ansley and I made some really good enchiladas! Ansley did almost everything all by herself…she LOVES cooking and baking and she is really great at it. Lately when we make anything, like when we made cupcakes earlier in the week, she did almost everything herself, the only thing that she didn’t do was crack the eggs…I need to start teaching her how to do that ; ).
I kept Ansley again on Wednesday. Fortunately, she felt better than she did earlier in the week but I could tell that she just wasn’t a hundred percent just yet. She was SO cute when she came over, she was wearing her adorable little pink tutu! I wanted to just scoop her up…and I did! On this day we got the fold out bed out and I made a comfortable pallet and Ansley loved laying on it and I laid right beside her on the sofa. Kimberly and I grew up loving the movie Now and Then and I wanted to watch it with Ansley because I thought that she would like it too…and she did, she said she loved it! We also watched the movie, My Girl 2 and she really liked that movie, but she said that Now and Then was her favorite…I don’t blame her ; ). Oh, we also watched Monster High. Her sixth birthday was themed Monster High…she has Monster High everything just about. After we watched our movie we made snow cones and listened to a few of her CDs…we had fun doing that…we sang along to ‘That’s What I Call Music (27)”. She also learned how to type and send Facebook messages on the computer, so before her mom picked her up, she spent her time sending messages to her mom on Facebook…and of course they included 10987654 different emojis!
Ansley ended up going to school the last two days of the week but because of the sweet time we got to spend together, just us two, it made me even more excited for summer break…because she will be with me! Actually, I am even more anxious about summer break because I will get to spend those days with both my nieces plus my boy…when he is not at one of his sport camps. I am used to spending all day with my niece Jayla but because her mom accepted a job in Perry (I can’t remember if I have mentioned this in one of my blog posts yet) she has been staying with my grandmother out in Warner Robins because it is thirty minutes closer (actually I really think I have mentioned this in a previous post…oh well). Kasey’s car is in the shop (it has major issues right now) so she is using my grandmother’s car to drive to work in.
Now that I am finishing this post up, I know that I am going to look back on this and just wish so badly that I had took pictures of some of the moments that Ansley and I had shared throughout the week. Although, I am still happy that I have our memories documented in words. I have been extremely long winded throughout this post, so I am going to end things here. Just wanted to write about the special week I had with my Ansley girl. : )
around here.
Although I have done a terrible job of taking pictures lately, I still want to post an update of what kinds of things we have been up to lately. I actually have no idea where to start off at, so right now I am just going to try and wing it. Brendan is spending the weekend at the beach with his Meme and Poppy and I am sure he is having a great time, but I miss him! Hopefully, I can find some ways to keep busy until I see him next. Our church has homecoming tomorrow and mama asked me if I would make a banana foster rum cake to take to church and I could not say YES fast enough! Out of all the cakes that I have made in my entire life, this one ranks in the top three (you can read more about my love for this cake here). My other two favorites are cream cheese pound cake and homemade red velvet cake.
Besides having cake on the brain, I have had this massive sweet tooth lately, it’s almost to the point of being uncontrollable ; ). I am not a big chocolate lover by any means, but I have now been craving brownies for a week straight. Just this past Sunday my mouth wouldn’t quit watering over them, it was so bad that I had us get in the car after 8 pm so that we could pick up brownie mix…CRAZY. Although, I wasn’t the only one with a sweet tooth that night, Brendan had a huge sweet tooth that night as well. I usually do not allow Brendan to have many sweets in the evening, especially on a school night; however, I decided to be wild and allowed him to pick out some snacks that night. He chose to get Fruit Gushers, powdered doughnuts, cookies, and a few pieces of candy. Brendan’s eyes got wider and wider as I said yes to each thing he asked for, even he couldn’t believe I was allowing him to consume sugar like this (which I say YOLO, ha!). I came home and made some brownies and Brendan snacked out on his treats as we watched some TV; I was surprised that he went to sleep right on time that night!
Before our late night run to the store last Sunday, mom, Brendan, Ansley, and I went to pick up some Subway after they got home from church. Because it was a very beautiful day and the temperature was perfect, we spent a few hours out in the yard playing baseball. Brendan got his Instagram taken away for a week the day before, so it was nice spending time with him without a phone attached to him. Usually, when Brendan and I are outside playing sports (and I use the word, “sports” rather loosely, if you ever saw me with a ball, you’d understand why), he goes hard on me, he just gets frustrated and almost loses his patience (understandably so, ha!). Although, I have to say that he is getting better about this, I mean he still laughs at my poor attempts to shoot the basketball in the hoop or when I take five minutes to retrieve the baseball, but lately his patience is growing stronger and stronger…however, I still don’t know how the boy puts up with me at times ; ). After Brendan and I finished playing baseball in the yard, it was time for him to go to batting practice, he left about 5 pm and returned home at around 7. Although we had fun playing baseball together that day, I am sure he gained much more skill during the time he spent with the guy who had 17996555 times more experience than I had ; ).
Brendan’s team was scheduled to play against Crisp Academy this past Thursday, though it ended up getting rained out. Brendan continues to do good during his baseball games, his time spent practicing has really been paying off. During his last game, he knocked the ball far out into the field and got a base run. Unfortunately, we have lost the past two games, so we have tied one, won one, and lost two…I mean the statistics could be worse, right? I’m super proud of him for earnestly trying his best, he is never afraid to try anything new. Unlike me, that boy has enough confidence to go out and try out for a school sport (that he has never even played before) and work super hard at getting better at it. I mean, the thought of myself doing that just makes me want to crawl up in a fetal position.
Brendan’s team has (I think) two more baseball games left in the season and it won’t be long before he is out for summer break…yay! Brendan hasn’t made it clear (to me) which sports camps he will be attending this summer, but I am sure that he will decide to attend Mercer basketball camp again and he says that he is going to try out for the football team this fall; so I am sure he will have plenty of practices for that this summer. I am just excited at the thought of him being on break and us being able to have fun and be lazy together. I will not be taking this time for granted at all; I spent all of last summer in the hospital, so I know that I will cherish these times even more.
Besides spending time with Brendan, I am also loving the quality time that Ansley and I have been able to spend together lately. My sister Kasey and my niece, Jayla, have been staying out at my grandmother’s house in Warner Robins for the past month or so. Kasey accepted a job around the same time that her car decided to break down, so she has been using my grandmother’s car to go to work and back. This works out well because my grandmother’s house is about thirty minutes closer to her job than our house is, this makes staying out there even more convenient right now.
Being as Kasey and Jayla are out there, Jayla and Ansley don’t get to play together all afternoon like they are used to doing and I know that they both miss each other (even though they probably fought 998 times every afternoon after school). Because of this, Ansley just seems so lonely some of the time after she gets home from school. I know that she loves being with Brendan but on days that he is with his dad, she doesn’t even get to see him. This is why I have been trying to take up even more time with my favorite red headed girl.
I was craving brownies again yesterday afternoon so I was super happy to bake some with my girl. I sprayed the non-stick spray onto the pan, I cracked the eggs, and turned on the oven, but everything else Ansley did; she’s always a super great assistant in the kitchen! I have a feeling that it won’t be too long before she will start calling me HER assistant, ha! After we licked the bowl and got the brownies in the oven, we painted each other nails, I did hers pink and purple and she did mine lavender and gray with speckled glitter. Around the same time that we were finished polishing our nails, the timer on the brownies went off and we couldn’t scoop them off the pan fast enough, they tasted super, everyone loved them. They were so good that they were gone in less than twelve hours…and I’m not even mad about it ; ).
Ansley recently went to Florida during spring break with her cousins on her dad’s side of the family to visit their nana Michelle (Ansley’s paternal grandmother). Bless her heart, Ansley came back home late in the evening on the last day of her break and when my sister Kimberly went to wake her up for school the next morning, she was still exhausted from her fun trip! Kimberly ended up letting her stay home from school that day and this made me super happy because I got to keep my girl that day! Ansley and I spent time watching movies, we colored, we giggled, we ordered pizza, I bought her a new pair of pajamas (she and I both LOVE our pjs…pajamas literally make up 96 percent of my wardrobe), and we did each other’s makeup. We had such a nice “girl’s day”, I even told her mom that her school’s loss was my gain : ).
This post is probably one of the most sporadic ones here on my blog, my thoughts are just all over the place. I was just wondering if I had forgotten to write anything else important that happened over the past week or so, but I think I’ve got it all covered. I am about to get ready to bake this cake for church homecoming tomorrow and then make some enchiladas for dinner, my mouth is already watering ; ).
my papa.
Right now I am not even sure where to begin because I already know that there just aren’t any words that would do justice in describing the impact my Papa made in the lives of the people in my family and the friends that he loved. However, his recent passing changed the lives of our family and impacted us all in a huge way, therefor, I want to share glimpses of his life. He was an amazing person and led an awesome life and I feel like it would be great to share pieces of it on here.
There are many aspects of my Papa’s life that I would love to reminisce on. As a teenager he became involved in the racing scene and that would become a huge part of his life. Not only was racing a major portion of my Papa’s life, it was also embedded in life of my cousin, Tommie Clinard Jr. My cousin began racing go-karts at a young age and now he races his race car at various dirt tracks. Lately, he has been racing at a great dirt track in Swainsboro and has done really well. My Papa took great pleasure in following Tommie’s racing progress. Although, as Papa could not physically be at most of his grandson’s races, he still played a pretty big part in that aspect of his life. After every race, no matter how late he finished, he always called Papa and gave him a detailed summary of each race. That meant so much to my Papa. Papa stayed up late waiting for that phone call each night Tommie raced.
Our family is very close, so when someone in the family celebrates something special or has an event or ballgame or anything important, we show up. When anyone in the family has a birthday, we ALL go to my Grandma and Papa’s to celebrate their special day. Grandma always has a great cake that the birthday person chose. So, when we found out that my cousin would be spreading my Papa’s ashes on the Swainsboro track, of course our family showed up. It felt like such an honor to get to be there. We later found out that the track officials would be helping us honor my Papa in that way, they stepped up and made it special for us.
Last week, my mom asked my to write a summary of my Papa’s life achievements because the track officials would be describing the life of my Papa, so that they could announce parts of his life during a part of the race. This meant a great deal to us and I was honored that I was able to write about his sweet life. Below are the words that I used to pay tribute to his life. I want to never forget what I wrote so I am sharing those words here on my blog.
Here goes:
Tommie Clinard Jr., driver of the 3x, enjoys regularly racing his super street car each weekend. He is also the grandson of Milton Thomas Clinard, who went by the name, Tommie. From the time Tommie was a teenager, up until the moment he passed, much of his life centered around racing. Tommie began racing in south Florida when he was just a teenager. He actually raced his first race by telling a white lie, he told a car owner that he had a bit more experience under his belt than he actually had, but none the less, he went on to finish second that night, which was an accomplishment for sure! It wasn’t discovered until his third race that he was just a novice.
Around this same time, a cute girl, known as Marilynn, was a frequent fan of the same races that Tommie raced in. Marilyn’s dad was the flagman, her mom served in the souvenir shop, and Marilynn typed up the newspaper for each of the races. The very first time that Tommie met Marilynn at the race track, he told his buddies that she would one day be his wife, it was love at first sight. And sure enough, just a couple of years after their first encounter, Marilynn and Tommie wed in south Florida.
Tommie and his wife would soon move to Macon, Ga, where Tommie continued to race his 3x car all over the southeast. He was actually the very first driver to race his car at Byron Speedway. Marilynn and Tommie went on to start a family and they began to raise their children around the racing scene, Tommie continued racing on weekends, as he served as a Macon police officer when he wasn’t racing against drivers on the track. Tommie had the opportunity of racing against drivers such as, Bill Elliot, Richard Petty, and Bobby Allison, just to name a few of the well known NASCAR drivers that we still look up to today.
In 1976, Tommie Clinard decided it would be best to hang the keys to his beloved 3x car, but he would go on to serve the racing community well into his retirement. Tommie played a huge part in serving the southeast division of the Georgia Racing Hall of Fame, as he spent a few years as secretary for the organization, which he took great pride in, as did his family and close friends. Tommie was also very determined to help found the racer’s reunion at Byron Speedway, he dedicated so much of his time and energy to the efforts of making this event a success. He was later nominated into GARHOF not once, but twice. All of this is to say that there wasn’t too much that took importance over his racing career, even after he retired from the sport.
However, his family is something he treasured more than racing cars and today we have members of his immediate family, including his wife Marilynn, out here to honor his love for racing. Racing was truly embedded into his heart at a young age and his dedication to this sport never died.
Sadly, Tommie went on to be with Jesus this year, yet, he still very much lives on in the hearts of the people he held dear to his heart. Not only has Tommie’s grandson Tommie Jr. inherited the Clinard racing gene, his great grandson, Brendan Campbell, enjoys racing his go-kart at various tracks, in his grandpa’s honor. So, tonight let’s all come together and help his family celebrate his legacy.
Tommie Jr. will be racing his 3x car tonight, we know that Tommie very much believed in his grandson’s racing abilities and took great pride in the fact that he adopted the 3x from him. Let’s all try and encourage Tommie Jr. tonight as he races his 3x super street in honor of his beloved granddad. God Bless.
I have to admit, I didn’t cry at my Papa’s funeral. I was still so much in shock. However, I am glad that I wore sunglasses last night and I was also happy that I forgot to wear mascara because I cried throughout the night at my cousin’s race last night. My aunt’s boyfriend, Mike, was sweet enough to buy everyone in my family a t-shirt in remembrance or my Papa and they turned out great! They really represented Papa well. I am sure there were at least twenty people there last night wearing that purple shirt, I was incredibly thankful that Mike provided these for everyone, it was the kindest gesture.
Last night was not even about my cousin Tommie performing well. It was about representing our Papa’s legacy and Tommie went above and beyond in exceeding just that. As he rode around that spreading our Papa’s ashes throughout that track, I cried as my Papa rode with Tommie for his last lap around that track, I don’t think I have ever been more proud of my cousin! My family’s relentless love for one another and their support for one another, no matter what they were going through, has made the biggest impact in my life. I just want to thank my cousin and the Swainsboro race track for allowing us to represent my Papa and for letting all of us stand on their track as my cousin rode around the track spreading Papa’s ashes. It was an incredible moment, I know that I will never forget it.
My Papa led an amazing life, a life that I am more than proud to be a part of. I know that my family will continue to keep his spirit alive. He was a great person; if you were blessed enough to call him a friend or family member, you know that he would do anything for you. I miss him. I love him.
one year, almost.
The one year mark is coming up fast. Last summer, when I was admitted into the hospital, I had no idea that it would turn into what it did. The ER doctor didn’t even want to admit me. I had been so sick for months. I was in and out of the doctor’s offices and the ER. Doctors just couldn’t find out what was wrong with me. It was an incredibly frustrating time. I was beginning to believe that people were just thinking I was making things up; I even began to question myself, were all these symptoms just in my head? However, in reality, I knew things were bad and I needed help. When I walked into that emergency room in May, I knew that if I went home, things were not going to be good…at all. The ER doctor could not pin point, on paper, what was going on with me. I looked at the doctor with tears in my eyes and told him how I felt, I told him how sick I had been, and it was then that he agreed to admit me. This filled my heart with hope…maybe now we would have answers as to what was wrong.
Almost as soon as I was admitted, I began to have high fevers, and the most excruciating pain. I couldn’t even lift my head to vomit. I was vomiting in my hair. My head felt as if going to explode, I was in so much pain that I couldn’t even call the nurse. When the nurse finally came in, I couldn’t even talk, but she knew something was seriously wrong. The next morning my blood cultures came back. I tested positive for MRSA and I was septic. Also, the fistulas that I had were causing immense pain. My belly hated me. It was a bad time.
I was soon transported to Augusta and was admitted to GRU (formerly Medical College of Georgia). I am not ready to write in too much detail about about the months I spent in the hospital. That was a pivotal time in my life and I don’t think I am quite ready to go back and completely relive those hard moments. However, I will say that after being in the hospital for almost two months, things quickly took a turn for the worst. MRSA came back positive again. I had very high fevers. I was transported back to the GRU emergency room (as I had then been at a nearby rehabilitation hospital, called Select). I was alone and I not very responsive, I don’t even clearly remember that experience.
I do remember the next day, I became so sick that I had to be put on a ventilator (I am not ready to share that procedure, but it wasn’t good at all). The next few days are a blur. I was in a comatose state, so I don’t remember the next few days. However, my mom, grandma, and dad were there so they gave me a recap of those days and expressed just how serious things got. My blood pressure began to drop very low and this is when things turned scary. I later found out that Brendan’s Meme (Becky) took off almost two days of work because she was scared that I was not going to make it. This really put in prospective of how close I came to not making it. Becky is also an internist doctor and knows when situations are bad and when they are less serious. If you know her, you know that she is very positive and has been so hopeful in bad situations. I have watched her tell a woman with stage 4 Ovarian Cancer, that things were going to be okay and she gave the woman hope. My grandmother was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, and Becky gave her hope as she told her that if you had to have cancer, this was the one you would want to have, as the outcome was usually good. When my grandpa went to hospice care recently, she was quick to say that she just had a patient admitted to hospice. but they recently, were doing so good that they got to leave. This is just to say that in any moment she can be positive, so, for her to take off work to go home and cry, really showed how serious things got.
After almost a week on the ventilator, I began to get stable, and was able to leave ICU. During all the hard days (and even the less hard days), there is only one thing I could think of and that was my Brendan. That boy, I think, saved my life. When I was at my absolute worst, the only thing I could think of, was him. I cried many tears thinking about him and the thought of him losing his mom, broke.my.heart. I couldn’t let that happen. You couldn’t know how much it hurt being away from him. I missed some really important times in his life. I even missed his graduation. Before I was admitted to GRU, I remember telling the GI doctor at my local hospital that I had to be at his graduation. The doctor looked at me and told me that if I left the hospital, I wouldn’t make it. He also said that by missing his graduation, I was giving Brendan the gift of me be being able to be present for future milestones. I am glad that doctor looked clearly at my situation and was able to put in context just how bad the reality of my illness was.
I know that this post is mostly a quick overview of some the times I spent in the hospital last summer. I really didn’t want this post to be so much about that but that is what it turned into. I really want to go back to the subject of Brendan. I was recently outside watching him play basketball and I casually asked him what he would say if someone asked him to give an account of the best things he’s done in life and what he has meant to the world? He thought for a second and described his skills in sports. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to discount the fact that he filled his mom’s heart with hope when she was going through such a tough battle and how he saved my life in so many ways. If it weren’t for him, I’m honestly not sure that I would have pulled through. However, instead of telling him this, I just smiled at his innocence and kept watching him shoot hoops with his basketball. I love that boy so much. That is all I have to say.
our pastor.
Writing this post has been on my mind for a few days, at least, but I knew that this post would take some time and I didn’t want to spend that time away from Brendan. And maybe it would be more ideal if I could have said what I am about to say in person, but believe it or not, I am a super shy girl. Hopefully, posting the words on this blog post will be the next best thing. Here goes.
I first attended Daystar Church of God when I was just fourteen years old. My boyfriend at the time (Mark) and his family attended this church and I attended with him at times. However, if I am being honest, I did not go to church to learn about God or strengthen my relationship with Him, I went to church because that meant that I would spend time with my boyfriend and his family. I loved the church members, they were sweet as can be but I had zero connection with God. I didn’t grow up attending church and as much as I wanted to believe in God, I am not sure that I actually did.
Years went by and Mark and I broke up. I began dating someone else and after ten months of dating, I became pregnant. He was the first guy that I had ever become intimate with. We (kind of) practiced safe sex, my birth control pills were making me sick, so I didn’t take them every day, but Ryan used protection…news flash: condoms don’t always work. Oh and at the time that we conceived, I had been really sick so my grandmother gave me an antibiotic to take and I had no idea that it counteracted with birth control. So, I already wasn’t taking them right (and I was very forthcoming about this with Ryan, he knew that I was struggling with taking them), so when I took the antibiotic, that made the pills even less effective. All of this is to say that if it is in God’s will for you to have a baby, you are going to have a baby. And I did. I was seventeen years old and pregnant.
Ryan and I kept the secret to ourselves for a couple of months. Oh…and I need to also add that even though Mark and I were no longer together, we remained friends and I was still very close with his mom, Mrs. Pam. Mrs. Pam was one of the first people that I told that I was expecting and the very first day that I told her, she suggested that I call her pastor, Luther Strickland, who also counseled families at his church. Luther contacted me that night, I was already familiar with him because of me going to his church in the past. My mom and I attended several counseling sessions with Luther and we attended church a few Sundays, but it didn’t last long. I was only seventeen and it felt so awkward talking to anyone about something so personal. Also, I still didn’t have a connection with God, even though I desired one, I just had no clue where to turn. I was so lost.
A year or so after I gave birth to my baby boy, my mom, my cousin, and my aunt began attending Daystar Church again. Brendan would go with them a lot too. I was nineteen years old when I began attending Harvest Cathedral Church on the regular and I was saved a few weeks after attending. I began to have a real relationship with God and it was the most wonderful feeling to have that connection. However, through the years, I also attended Daystar occasionally and I began to really trust Pastor Luther. He began to become a grandfather figure in my life. When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease, he supported me one hundred percent. Luther stood by my side before early morning surgeries in Atlanta. He prayed with me. He prayed FOR me. He fasted in my name. Luther was just a very positive presence in my life. Sadly, Luther became very sick in 2012 and he died October 31, 2012. I remember trying to be so happy for Brendan because it was Halloween and we were going Trick or Treating, but I just wasn’t in the spirit, at all.
Their were several people who pastored at Daystar after Luther passed away but for whatever reason they would not stay or they became sick and had to step down; sadly, one pastor passed away. However, I just didn’t connect with anyone like I connected with Luther. Daystar just didn’t seem the same without him…and it wasn’t. This is why when my mom came home from church one day and told me that she really liked a new pastor at the church, I wasn’t surprised. My mom liked all of them, so I didn’t think that this pastor, whose name is Robbie was going to stand out much. However, Brendan and I began coming to church and we really liked him as a person. Brendan got saved shortly after Robbie took on the position as pastor. Before Brendan’s baptismal, Robbie pulled me aside and asked me who Brendan’s favorite NASCAR driver was and on the morning that Brendan was baptized, he gifted Brendan with a few NASCAR shirts, it was a very kind gesture, that Brendan and I both very much appreciated.
I became to really enjoy Robbie’s style of preaching, I felt like he really connected with his fellow members of the church, and I also felt like Pastor Robbie spoke in a way that most people could relate to. There have many times that I have been to church and after the service is over I feel like everything that was said just went way over my head, I am like, “what in the WORLD did this person just say?”. However, because Robbie spoke in a way that was relatable, I didn’t feel like this at all with him. Because of the connection Robbie had with the members, little by little, the church began to grow.
Unfortunately, in 2015 I began to get sicker with my Crohn’s (you can read a little about that struggle here). I was transported to GRU Hospital in Augusta (formerly Medical College of Georgia) and the plan from the very beginning was to do surgery. I knew that I was not going to get better without surgery so to finally find a surgeon who agreed to perform the surgery for me was just a blessing. I ended up being in the hospital over ninety days, if my math is right, that equals 13 weeks. I was a sick girl. I was drained both emotionally and physically. I missed Brendan immensely. I was scared. For the most part, I was alone, hours away from home. I was a mess.
One of the biggest blessings in life are those people who walk into your life at the perfect time, times when you need them the most, and they are able to make even the most tragic circumstances seem not so bad. These people are like a breath of fresh air to be around, they can brighten your mood with just their presence. Pastor Robbie and his wife Lisa are these kind of people. Robbie and Lisa drove hours to visit me at least every week, they probably spent close to eighty hours traveling in the car to see me over the summer, that is a lot of hours! Before I got so sick over the summer, I knew that Robbie and Lisa were great people with huge hearts for Christ, however, I had no idea how much of an impact that they would one day make in my life.
Robbie and Lisa could have arrived to my hospital room and just knelt down beside me, prayed with me and then left…and that would have been just fine. Although, this was not the case by far. I have been to churches in the past where members are lucky to get in a prayer request before the sermon and where the pastor had no clue what was going on in the personal lives of most of the members. Our church is NOT one of those churches. Robbie serves. Him and Lisa would arrive to see me each week and go way above and beyond to make sure that I was well taken care of. They would bring me food (which you know was more than amazing if you have ever had to eat hospital food), Lisa helped bathe me, they made sure that I had the things that I needed (toiletries…pens…notebook paper), they brought me flowers, balloons, my favorite drink (Diet Dr. Pepper), they laughed with me, held my hand as I cried, pushed the button to my pain pump when I hurt too bad to move, they helped me walk, they were my voice, and most importantly, they prayed over me. Oh, and they made sure that the church covered my family’s hotel expenses. This was another huge blessing. I don’t even want to think about what my hospital experience would have been like if those two people had not been there for me.
Robbie demonstrates the love that God has for us by pouring in his time, his resources, his spirit, his money, and his love, to the good of others. He doesn’t just stand up at the front of the church every Sunday and then call it a day, instead he steps up every single day to help and be there for others. The way that he lives is such a testimony to his faith. The sacrifice for others that Robbie and Lisa both make is huge
Pastor Luther Strickland’s dream as a pastor was for the church to grow, especially in terms of the youth. I respect Luther so much but because he didn’t preach in a way that many younger people could understand or relate to, the youth attendance was never high, actually it was almost non-existent. I would love for Luther to have witnessed, in the flesh, the growth and changes that Daystar has undergone since his passing but that just wasn’t God’s will. However, the direction that Robbie has led the church in since he took over as the lead pastor has been really great and I am proud to be a part of it. At the end of the day, we’re all sinners, sinners standing at the foot of the cross, because of this, I am very grateful to have both Robbie and Lisa encouraging me through this crazy life. My prayer is for everyone to have great people like these two in there corner in life, knowing that I have their love and support is an awesome thing!
breakin’ spring.
Brendan got out of school last Thursday and goes back to school next Monday, however, his dad and I split holidays and he went to the beach with them today. I already miss that boy so much. We had very little access to a vehicle over his spring break, my grandmother stayed with us this week but because my sister’s vehicle is not working, she is having to use my grandmother’s car. Being as Kasey’s job is much closer to my grandmother’s house than our house, she has been staying out there. So, we haven’t had a busy agenda by any means this week. I know that Brendan probably wished that he could have done something much more exciting but I have really enjoyed just hanging out with my boy doing hardly anything this week. We did have some fun over the weekend celebrating Easter and the kids really had a good time.
Friday, Brendan and Ansley decorated Easter eggs and then on Saturday they went to an egg hunt at the church and had a great time. Brendan decided that he was too old to hunt Easter eggs this year, so he helped hide them instead. They also had a cookout and had a giant inflatable slide for the kids. They got home by mid-afternoon and Brendan, my dad and I watched a couple of movies (it was raining hard outside); we watched, European Vacation, Now and Then, and Vegas Vacation…Clark Griswold could brighten any day. For supper, my dad made pork chops and they were really great.
Sunday was a really fun day. My mom and Brendan were in the Easter play and Brendan was the only kid in the church who had a speaking part and he did great! I was so proud of him! After church we went and hung out at my grandma’s house and all the kids, including the neighbor’s kids (Ava and Nora). Brendan even decided that he wanted to hunt eggs…I think maybe it had more to do with him wanting candy ; ). After we got home the girls and I made a cake and then it was about time for bed.
This past weekend just flew by so fast and so did the last few days. I know that Brendan was so excited to go to the beach today, but again, I miss him. I am home alone today and the house is so quiet…and I don’t like it. I remember sitting in this same chair all week and getting upset because Brendan and the girls were just so loud and now I would give almost anything to hear their loud little voices.
I admit, I would much rather be in an air conditioned house than outside sitting in a plastic chair but Brendan and the girls love it out there, they could spend all day outside and love every minute of it. Again, I am complete opposite. However, I make myself go outside and hang out at least one part of every day but I always regret not going outside more. I need to work on ways to make the outdoors more fun. Brendan constantly begs me to go outside and I am going to start saying “yes” more.
In my opinion, I am really great at being, “a yes mom”. If whatever they (Brendan and the girls) are asking to do won’t result in breaking their bones, hurting one another, causing them to bleed, risking their health, or hurting one another’s feelings, I will probably give them permission. Basically, if it is something that is relatively safe and won’t result in the other person getting their feelings hurt, I will probably say yes. So many things are just not worth arguing or fussing over.
Anyhow, here are some things that I want to remember that Brendan said or did over spring break. One day I received a direct message notification from Brendan on my Instagram and I opened it and it simply said, “sweety pie”. One night after he got his heart broke by a girl (her dad told her that she couldn’t talk to boys anymore), Brendan looked over at me and said, “mama, come over here and talk to me and make it all better for me”, and when I came and sat beside him, he got in my lap and I just held him. Another night, Brendan and I were just hanging out in the bed and he said, “you are just so cute that I eat you up”. Yesterday, I took Brendan’s fold out cot outside to lay on it and he laid right next me and we cuddled up. Sometimes, Brendan likes spending time alone but after fifteen minutes of alone time, he comes looking for me. He still doesn’t like me to be out of his sight for too long. I’m sure that there’s more but I just can’t remember them all. Usually, Brendan is all-boy, he is rough, he is tough, and he likes to get his face dirty. However, he can also be THE sweetest little boy ever. I just love him and he makes me proud, always. I still can not believe that I get to call him my boy.
Now, I am looking forward for summer break…it won’t be long . : )
girl crushing.
When I blogged in the past I held back a lot, in terms of me not sharing too many details about Brendan’s life. Even though he was younger, I still always questioned if the content I posted would be something that would embarrass him in the future and because of that I withheld a lot of personal aspects of our lives. However, I on the other hand, am an open book, nothing in the world embarrasses me anymore. I’ve been through so much in life that nothing really even phases me at all. Nothing is never as bad as it seems in the moment, so there is very little I dwell on. I am very quick to move on.
My blogs were never super popular by any means at all, but I did comment on a couple of other blogs and I would participate in link-ups. I still participate in a link-up but I waited until the very end of the day to link back to my blog so that the possibility of someone viewing my blog was slim and even if they did view it, they would only read that one post. More than likely, they wouldn’t go back and read my posts from the past. I also used to, a lot of times, post links to my blog entries on Facebook, so a lot of my family and friends read it as well…and my Instagram account had a link to my blog in the bio.
Although, now less than a handful of people have access to my blog or know that I even have a blog. Therefore, I enjoy writing so much more because I don’t feel like I have to hold back as much. I still tell Brendan what I post on here and honestly he could care less. His thought is that as long as none of his friends can see it, he doesn’t have any concern with it at all. I wouldn’t mind if my family read my posts (because they already know the story of my life anyway) and I also wouldn’t care if a couple of people that I trust in real life read it. And I do have a few blogs that I would love to comment on, so if they read my blog, I would not care at all. It’s not even like my blog is super special, by ANY truth but it’s our life and Brendan is twelve now and even though he doesn’t mind, I still respect him and don’t want his life blasted all over WordPress. Yet, I want a place to go years from now to look back on our memories, but still, there is a fine line between appropriate and not appropriate. If Brendan was ever struggling with something incredibly personal, you better believe that those details would never grace my blog.
I had absolutely NO intention of turning this post into one about blog privacy or whatever but that’s what it lead into. I had intentions of just writing about an event that happened today, one that I knew I would one day forget the details of if I didn’t document them. So, that’s where I am at now. By now, it’s no secret that Brendan is girl crazy, girls are on his mind all.of.the.time, all day. I allow Brendan to have an Instagram account and that is the only form of social media that he is allowed to have. I have his username and his password, so if I ever need to look at anything suspicious, I have access to it. I like that he has an Instagram account because that is about the only outlet he has to keeping in contact with his friends from his old school, Christ School. He went to Christ from pre-k up until 5th grade (that school only goes up to grade 5). Our family loved, loved, loved, Christ School and we were sad when he left. Needless to say, he made quite a few friends there, so I’m glad that he can still keep in contact with a lot of them thru Instagram.
However, a couple of days ago, a girl named Celina sent Brendan a follow request on his Instagram. Celina does not go to Brendan school, but she is in sixth grade like he is. Like things were when I was growing up, we didn’t have to go to the same school as someone to know who they were. Somehow kids of the same age just intertwine somehow. From the start, Celina “liked” every single one of Brendan s pictures on Instagram and Brendan’s heart just skipped beats over that. Well, tonight Celina went even more crazy over my boy! He went to a wrestling banquet with his dad’s side of the family and came (literally) running and screaming into the house, asking me to give him my phone immediately so that he could sign onto Instagram. Brendan then spent an hour texting her on Instagram!
For the most part they were just casually talking back and forth, but at one point Celina told Brendan that she liked him and he reciprocated by telling her that he liked her. And then the next thing I know, she is telling Brendan that she LOVED him! I told Brendan that if it was his goal to give me a heart attack today, then I was well on my way! I was literally freaking out, especially when I found out that Brendan asked her if she wanted to meet up somewhere. Celina’s response was so funny, she said, “I am not allowed to date yet but we can be girlfriend and boyfriend on the phone and on Instagram”, I thought I would die laughing when Brendan told me that. She also told him not to call her tonight because she was supposed to be asleep and not on her phone, ha!
I can’t think of anything else in particular that they said to each other that stood out. Oh…but Brendan did tell my mom that they were going to be girlfriend and boyfriend on the phone until they were thirteen and fourteen years old and could meet up. I truly thought that I was going to spit my Kool-Aid out of my mouth when he said that! I am happy that they are just talking via phone on Instagram right now instead of him begging to hang out with her in real life. However, even if that were the case, Brendan would still NOT be getting dropped off any place alone, me or either someone else in his family would be tagging alone as well.
I know that Brendan will have relationships in the future. Celina is not the first girl that Brendan has liked and it will not be the last, however, she IS the first girl that has told Brendan that she loved him. Even though neither one of them even know what love is, it almost breaks my heart that Brendan has entered into this stage in his life because I know that he is going to get his heart broken. I wish I could shield Brendan from all the hurt in the world but like almost everything else, pain is inevitable. On one hand I want him to suffer heart break because with it comes self growth and huge life lessons. However, it’s never easy watching your child ,or anyone that you love, suffer heartache.
Goodness, I am tired, it is after one in the morning. I never intended for this post to become this long; I guess I just had a lot to get out tonight. I’m super happy that spring break is now officially here, so I am looking forward to spending the next 5.5 days with Brendan! His dad and I split holidays, therefore Brendan will go back to his dad’s family next Wednesday evening. I know that these next few days with consist of LOTS of talk about Celina, but hey, at this point I am just very happy that Brendan feels comfortable enough to share all of this with me. I know that when I was twelve (or any age) I never opened up to my mom about much of anything, so this is a blessing.
and now it is time to hit my head on my pillows : )
The Simple Life 